There is this saying “You have to love yourself first, to be able to love others”.
I remember hearing about this concept for the first time as a teenager and not understanding at all what it was about … firstly, I didn’t find it necessary to love myself, and secondly, I had no idea what the hell that meant – „to love yourself“. I thought, that is some crazy German thing, for people with luxury problems, hahaha!
However, this morning I woke up with some insight about that saying:
You can love other people without loving yourself. However, conflicts can arise, which are related to the fact that one or both partners tries to compensate for the lack of self-love through their partner. If you are not happy and satisfied with yourself, then you will try to pass on the responsibility to your partner: „If only my partner would love me properly, then I would finally be happy“.
If you feel unloved, ugly, unlovable, insufficient, etc., then these feelings will continue to exist, no matter how much your partner assures you that they love you, desire you and honestly think you are great.
Your neediness cannot be filled through a partner’s love.
But such needs can trigger projections. Needs and projections can lead to misunderstandings that can put a heavy strain on a relationship:
Your partner says “I love you”, yet you feel unloved.
Your partner thinks you are great, but you think you are deficient.
You have a great partner, but you feel sad and alone.
In this setting you probably won´t be able to believe his assurances and signs of love and will not trust him. He will feel unrecognized and an argument will break out.
The consequences of such a lack of self-love can ultimately destroy a relationship.
Pulling happiness and contentment out of your partner cannot work.
That is unmanagable.
Tryng this means that he would have to manipulate YOUR feelings for yourself, and firstly nobody wants that and secondly you CAN and MUST do it yourself.
The questions are:
– How much conflict, projection and unredeemed need can be tolerated in a relationship?
– How can we practice self-love?
Or as my dear Sebastian says
– How can we make the unconscious conscious and redeem the unredeemed?
– Where do we overwhelm our partners and our relationships by transferring them our own responsibilities, that can´t be solved by anybody else but by ourselves?
– How do we stop expecting the impossible?
How do we practice the honor of loving ourselves so that the relationship can grow and flourish, too?
This article originally was published on 21. January 2019 on my blog ichkreierealsobinich.com